the answer, of course, is that i'm impatient.

"the answer to what?" i can hear you all thinking. the answer to [this]

i wrote that when i was in a pretty bad mood, as a catharsis... so try not to take it completely to heart. i do often wonder about a lot of those things, but generally not so militantly. but, on a brighter note...

it was christmas a few days ago! and here i am forgetting to wish my 2 loyal readers a merry christmas. hehe... so merry christmas! hope it went well enough for everyone. (:

and now it's almost 2005; i can hardly believe that. almost 5 years since i graduated high school. but yeah, almost a new year. i don't have any resolutions, because i probably wouldn't keep them anyway, but i do have a few lessons i learned this year, most of them in the hard way. so while i don't have any resolutions, i think i'll take this chance to grow up a little (as if i could prevent that from happening anyway).

to my friends, i love you all -- whether you think i do or not, whether i should or not, and whether i deserve to or not. keep smiling.

  mood: pretty good
now playing: machines of loving grace - rite of shiva

i don't know how many of you guys out there have listened to women talk about men, or how many of you ladies have done such talking, but i've noticed one thing that, over the years, has never changed. women are continually unsatisfied by men. they think they're immature, or assholes, or just plain dumb. and, to be honest, a lot of that is true.

i don't have very many friends my age that are guys, for mostly the same reasons. there are a good number of guys that i can't stand to be around. they just aggravate me. and if they aggravate me just by being around, i can't imagine what going out with one of them must be like... ladies, you have my sympathy.

anyway, i started noticing this kind of anti-guy behaviour quite some time ago, and it made me think. i don't know exactly when it was, but there was a point in time that i decided that i wasn't going to be like the rest of the guys. no, it wasn't so i'd get more women... just 'cause i didn't want to be like that. it made me pretty angry to see guys treating their girlfriends like shit and expecting them not to care.

so, ever since then, i've been trying pretty hard to make sure i'm always nice to girls, and treat them well... all that stuff. if i'm in a relationship, i'll try to do those romantic things that i hear people complaining that their boyfriends don't do. i'll listen when they have problems they want to talk about. if i'm involved with someone, there's no way i'd ever, ever, ever cheat on them. i try to do whatever i can think of to keep the ladies happy... but, somehow, inevitably, without fail, i always, always, always get completely fucked in the end.

it blows my mind, it really does. and the worst part is, i don't know what the hell i'm doing wrong! i wish someone would give me a straight answer for once, so i can just fix it. it seems like for everything i'm doing that i think is good, there are eight guys out there doing just the opposite and having girls hang all over them.

do you want me to be an asshole? it's not going to happen, although i don't doubt i could be.

do you really want me to use you for sex? 'cause as things stand now, it's not really a huge priority of mine. yeah, it's great, i like it, and if it's offered, i'm not going to say no, but i certainly don't expect it. as far as i'm concerned, it's not the be-all, end-all of a relationship, and one can be quite successful without it. i've gone out with girls for over two years without sleeping with them; it's not an issue for me.

do you want me to treat you like a piece of meat? i suppose that could be arranged, but i'd really rather not. i like women to feel appreciated, i like it when they know i'm thinking about them. i like doing things so that you know i care about you. in addition to that, in my (apparently distorted) version of reality, i think of my girlfriends (and romantic interests) as friends. of course they're more than that, but how can a relationship survive if the couple doesn't even like each other? it can't! it probably shouldn't, at least. you'll get at least as much attention -- and probably a lot more -- than my other friends.

you want me to be possessive and jealous? yeah, sometimes i do feel jealous if a girl i'm dating or that i like talks about some other guy. i'm not superhuman here... and i don't think i'm the only man to ever walk the earth or that all women should adore me; far from it. but if i do feel jealous, i try to keep it under my hat, and i certainly won't stop you from hanging out with and being friends with other guys. i'm not out to control you, ladies.

you want me to never admit i'm wrong? hah! that's a good one! i'm wrong all the time. and when i screw up, i'll be the first one (maybe second) to admit it. i'll apologise, for what that's worth, but (even better) i'll also try to never screw up again in the same way again. i'm not perfect, so it might take a couple times, but i'll get it. i'm capable of learning from my mistakes.

but it's clearly not any of those things that i'm doing wrong... so what is it? is it because i'm not interesting enough for you? is it my lousy memory? is it because i don't have enough money? is it because... i don't know... 'cause i don't wear enough bright colours? i really want to know.

and, women, when you're pissed at me... tell me! right then and there. pull me aside, yell at me, call me down, tell me exactly why you're angry/annoyed/upset/irritated/whatever. i promise you won't hurt my feelings in any lasting way, and i promise that i really do want to hear it. and i assure you, there's a 99% chance i didn't do whatever it was on purpose (i probably didn't even realise i was doing it). but please, one way or another, tell me. i'll do what i can about it, and everyone will be happier in the morning.

so... if any of you are interested in an honest, understanding, caring, dedicated guy who will go the extra mile to make you feel good, who will be there for you (and with you) through anything (good or bad), and who will always treat you as an equal... be sure to let me know.

  mood: rather confused
now playing: die warzau - go going gone

since i live in utica again, erin and i have been hanging out a lot more. usually it amounts to watching some Eddie Izzard or Drawn Together and then going for a walk. pretty standard stuff.

tonight, however, whilst walking, we found a shopping cart. i think she told me to get in it, and then i told her that she should get in it. i guess i won that argument, 'cause she did. here are pictures of me pushing and her riding:

i also almost drove her into the road and nearly dumped her out of the thing a couple times. a tip for all you youngsters out there: don't try to push someone across sloping concrete in a shopping cart.

edit: am i the only one who's both fascinated and somewhat horrified by [this]? i'm on the verge of asking for it for christmas, but i wouldn't want it in my house. spooky!

  mood: whatever!
now playing: micronaut - perdition