You acquire an item: Slightly Mutilated UPS Package

  mood: KMFDM - Dogma
now playing: Confused

GGGGGRRRRRRRAAAARRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...it's just not as satisfying as it is in real life.

Addendum [5:04 am]:

It's nights like tonight that make me wonder if I was a sadistic midget-molesting serial killer in a past life. Am I being punished for some nameless, horrific misdeeds of my former self? Maybe. It's really the only way I could possibly believe in Karma... Anyway, I wouldn't even bother putting up what happened tonight, but it was a series of events so ridiculously bad that I almost feel obligated. Kinda reminds me of [the day that I slid into a curb and my air bags went off].

It all started when I was still at work at 7:30. I don't like still being at work at 7:30. I ended up staying till 8, and only leaving then because I could no longer stand to be there without setting something on fire. No one had come to relieve me in watching the shop yet, so I just locked up and left. Anyway, back to about 7:30. I had a conversation with Erin that I will not go into further detail about save to say that I never want to think about it again and I wish that it had never happened. This will make the impact of the night as a whole seem less, but trust me when I say it was unpleasant.

I left the store in a rage of lateness and frustration. To provide a little backstory on what I'm about to relate: over the past couple weeks, I've been having some trouble with my car. There's a squeaky belt, you see. It's the belt that drives the alternator. We thought it was the belt's fault that the belt was squeaking. Turns out, it was the alterator's fault. It breathed its dying breath this morning, apparently, and after that, I was (unbeknownst to me) running solely on battery power. I had an inkling something was amiss, though, so rather than going to Craig's house after work, I headed straight home. This was an unfortunate choice, as the battery decided to run out just as I was driving up an on-ramp to a state highway.

So, here I am, on the side of the road, in perhaps one of the most unfortunate places I can think of to park a car, with no heater and barely-working hazard flashers. Fun. I called dad at home, and he came to help me out. This took about twenty minutes. That's twenty minutes of being fucking cold, and vaguely afraid for my life. I called Craig and harassed him for a while. A cop showed up, and then left after hearing why I was there and that I had someone on the way. I'm glad I didn't have to deal with him more.

When dad arrived, I called up Car Insurance Company, as I have Roadside Assistance on my policy. After 10-15 minutes of wading through their automated telephone system, I talked to a guy whose computer turned off while he was trying to figure out where the fuck 840 East is (it's a new road). Eventually, he dispatched a tow truck. Things start to take an upward turn here, which is nice. The tow truck only took about 20 minutes to get there, and I didn't have to sit in the goddamn cold, since dad brought his toasty Jeep.

We got home fine and everything. The consequences of this are sobering, though, since now I will need to get myself a new alternator. I suspect this isn't a $5 part. Then I'll have to help dad put the damn thing in, since I certainly can't afford to pay someone else to do it. Did I mention that I live in upstate New York and that the high temperatures recently have been in the low twenties? It makes car maintenance a lot more fun. So much more fun, in fact, that we decided to replace my rear brakes just this past weekend. Just for shits and giggles, of course. Not because they were worn to the point of not functioning. No way. That cost about $70, by the way. I love winter.

I love winter.

I love winter.

I love winter.

Maybe if I say it enough (I love winter), I'll be able to delude myself (I love winter) into believing it. Is this my life? I love winter. Right? It's so great. Someone help me. Right...?

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[I SO FUCKING LOVE IT!]

  mood: ...
now playing: Front Line Assembly - Transmitter [Come Together]

Holy crap, 5 more hours till I can go home. And I'm out of [adventures] for the day. I think I may go insane. At least I'd have some good material, if I did... hm...

Speaking of insanity, I was thinking this morning that it would be cool to live to see the 22nd century. I'd only have to make it to 118 or so. I don't think it's too ridiculous. Maybe I should stop eating junk food and soda all the time, though. Maybe drink more Scotch; that seems to be the key to longevity. Scotch.

And, yes, I say "soda" instead of "pop." Just think, if you add an O to pop, you can get poop. If you add an O to soda, you get sooda, which sounds Canadian, thus making it automatically cooler, and probably sexier, if it's female sooda.

Finally, I ganked this from [Christine]:

Have you ever...

(?) smoked a cigarette (tried it once, thought it sucked)
( ) crashed a friend's car
(x) stolen a car (it was a bus, and we brought it back when we were done)
(x) been in love
(x) been dumped (maybe a couple times...)
(x) shoplifted (...and got caught)
(x) been fired (...and re-hired less than a month later)
( ) smoked pot
( ) been in a fist fight (nearly)
( ) snuck out of your parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back (unbelievable as that is)
( ) been arrested
(x) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(x) skipped school
( ) seen someone die
(x) had a crush on one of your internet friends
(x) been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
( ) purposely set a part of yourself on fire (almost seems like I have, but I can't recall a specific example)
(x) eaten Sushi (mmmm...)
(x) been skiing
( ) met someone in person from the internet
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now (pretty much all the time)
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel
( ) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up (yeeeeeah... I don't wanna talk about it)
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school (like, every day when I was in college)
( ) used a fake id
(x) watched the sun set
(x) felt an earthquake
(x) touched a snake
(x) slept beneath the stars
(x) been tickled
(x) been robbed (not me specifically, but my family has been)
(x) been misunderstood (who hasn't?)
( ) petted a reindeer (no... but I did ride a camel)
(x) won a contest
(x) run a red light
(x) stayed up until 3am doing nothing (every day)
( ) been suspended from school
(x) been in a car accident (4)
(x) had braces
( ) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night (how about an entire large pizza?)
( ) danced in the moonlight
(x) liked the way you look
(x) witnessed a crime
(x) questioned your heart (heh...)
( ) been obsessed with post-it notes
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
( ) been to the opposite side of the country
(x) swam in the ocean
( ) felt like dying
(?) cried yourself to sleep (I don't remember it, but probably)
( ) played cops and robbers
( ) recently coloured with crayons?
(x) gotten lost in a store
( ) sung karaoke
( ) fallen asleep on a trampoline
(x) paid for a meal with only coins
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't do
(x) made prank phone calls (dialed with my head once)
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose (not pleasant)
(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
( ) danced in the rain
(x) written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) been kissed under a mistletoe (not a good kiss, though)
( ) watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
( ) cut your hair only to regret it
( ) gotten a tattoo
(x) made a bonfire on the beach
(x) gone roller skating
(x) had a wish come true
( ) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
(x) ate dog/cat food (I had to know!)
( ) ate horse food....???
(x) sang in the shower
(?) had a dream that you married someone (had one wherein I was married to someone)
(x) glued your hand to something (glued something to my hand is more like it)
(x) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
( ) kissed a fish (I kissed a Pisces, but I don't think that counts)
(x) sat on a roof top
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel (did a drunken 2-handed one, though)
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours?
(x) stayed up all night
(x) didn’t take a shower for a week (see the next question)
(x) been hospitalized for over a week
( ) picked and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
(x) had a tree house
(?) are scared to watch scary movies alone (really depends on the movie)
(x) believe in ghosts
( ) have more then 30 pairs of shoes (I don't even think I've 30 pairs of shoes throughout my life)
( ) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
(?) gone streaking (half-assed streaking (pun intended))
( ) gone doorbell ditching
(x) played chicken/truth or dare
( ) pushed into a pool/hot tub with all your clothes on
(?) been told you're hot by a complete stranger (only by proxy)
( ) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused (always)
(x) caught a fish then ate it
(x) caught a butterfly (then ate it! bwahahaha!!)
(x) laughed so hard you cried
(x) had surgery (bloody flaming appendix)
(x) cheated on a test
( ) had a Britney Spears CD
(x) French braided someone’s hair (not well, but i did)
( ) gone skinny dipping
( ) been threatened to be kicked out of your house
(x) kissed someone under the stars (pretty much like kissing someone anywhere else)
( ) had someone close to you die from suicide
(x) had someone close to you die in general
( ) had someone younger than 2 years old die
( ) lost somebody close to you in the last year

4 and a half more hours...

  mood: Magnificently bored
now playing: Sevendust - Pieces

When we get bored at work, we set things on fire:

  mood: Misanthropic
now playing: [kPOSI]

I've spent the past few days looking at weird stuff from the internet, since it was either that or suffer brain-melting boredom. I'm no longer sure which is worse.

My resolve to get the hell out of Utica ASAP has redoubled and then squared, thus making it like 9 times more than before. I am uber-resolved, you might say. Snow is one of my most vile opponents. When she teams up with Cold, Ice, and Slush the odds are damn near insurmountable. But I shall persevere, oh yes. I have a clever trick or two that they won't be expecting. Now the all I need is money.

If only I could pit the Four Horse(wo)men of the Wintertime (who ride raindeer (except Slush, who rides a deformed donkey, and kinda looks like a man)) against Bon Jovi. It would be interesting, but I fear that they would combine to form an Ultimate Evil that would rain down ultimate suffering and (ultimately) bring about the end of humanity with frostbite and wussy lyrics (illustrated below):

Another result of my boredom was that I started writing haiku. Not good haiku. You can find them [here]. As this post will eventually shuffle into the dredges of the archive, you will also find them linked in perpetuity in the [Lunacy] section, or by clicking the Buzzy Beetle graphic to the right.

  mood: Chocolate
now playing: Amish Rake Fight - Yes Josephine

Llamas on steroids
Could likely drag me away
But it would be hard

  mood: Really hungry
now playing: Alice in Videoland - Panic

65 degrees is not fit for indoor human consumption. I can't feel my toes, and I'm under two blankets.

I fucking hate winter.

  mood: Cold. Fucking cold.
now playing: Not a damn thing